SJ writes:
I did some further condensing of language, and replaced the second person everywhere with the third person. I also tried to clarify a few sections that I found misleading or incomplete... For instance, when you email me through the wiki, I can see /your/ email address.
After a review of both Nathan's and SJ's revisions, I've decided to adopt those revisions. The current version of the revised draft policy can be found at:
http://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Draft_Privacy_Policy_June_19_2008
--Mike