Hoy all,
I've been meaning to start a thread about this for a while, but just hadn't
gotten around to it. Things have been rather heated the past few days, so I
figured now would be as good a time as any to go about starting this thread.
Have any of you ever heard of Non-Violent Communication (NVC). It's a method of
communicating, well really more a method of thinking, that aims to reduce and
resolve conflicts between people. NVC has sometimes also been called Empathetic
Communication or Needs Based Communication. The idea of NVC is to frame the
discussion in terms of needs and feelings, followed up by requests. "Nonviolent
Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from
miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative
language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These 'violent' modes of
communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the
participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their
perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict." [0]
The core of NVC is an NVC expression, which is made up of four components:
Observations ("When I see/hear/notice..."), Feelings ("...I feel..."),
Needs
("...because I need/value..."), and Requests ("Would you be willing
to...?").
Observations are the facts themselves, and are not broad generalizations.
Feelings are emotions, they are distinct from stories, thoughts, and
evaluations. Feelings are also self-owned and not attributed to others (so one
doesn't feel attacked, one feels angry, likewise one doesn't feel betrayed, one
feels hurt or stunned, or perhaps even outraged). Finally requests are simply
that requests, but they are not demands. You have to be willing to hear the
other person say no.
To take a recent example from the mailing list:
"Cool, I'll just pop in. Oh, wait." (David, I want you to know I am not
picking
a quote from you specifically for any reason, it was just one that stood out to
me as something that could have been much better expressed within the NVC
framework)
This could have been expressed as:
When people talk about things off-list, I feel resentful and frustrated because
my needs for community, consideration, and to be heard are not being met. Would
you be willing to keep the discussion on-list so that I can participate?
NVC values honestly expressing your own needs and feeling and empathetically
listening to those of others. Two things that really harm this connection are
blaming others and blaming ourselves.
I really encourage everyone on this list to do a little bit of reading into NVC.
I've linked to the Wikipedia article at the bottom of this email along with the
website for the Center for Non-Violent Communication. The NVC way of thinking
has really made a huge difference in how I understand and express myself to
people. I'm by no means perfect at it myself, but even with the practice that I
have I've already seen a huge improvement in how I relate to others. I really
think that it could do a lot of good here.
Thank you,
Derric Atzrott
Computer Specialist
Alizee Pathology
[0]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication NVC on Wikipedia
[1]
http://www.cnvc.org/ Center for Non-Violent Communication
[2]
https://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory Feelings Inventory (really
useful for those of us who aren't in touch with our feelings, like myself)
[3]
http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory Needs Inventory (also very
useful for those of us who aren't in touch with our needs, again, like myself)