I understand deferring major refactors, but using the axe is not unwarranted and might be reasonably easy and painless.
For instance, as long as we use ugly workarounds, can they be made more specific? Like, load unconditionally but only in File and Special namespaces (plus other pages with timed media? https://bugzilla.wikimedia.org/58086#c2 says it's trivial, if I understand correctly).
Nemo