<div dir="ltr">In the NVC trainings that I've been doing, it is often stressed that authentic self expression is more vulnerable than listening, because the speaker is exposing themselves while the listener remains relatively hidden. Obviously, the manner of expression makes all the difference--one could easily be invulnerably talking-at someone and remain quite hidden. But assuming that the speaker is showing up fully, with self-responsibility, then the teaching, in relation to power dynamics, is that the person in power should generally be the first one to speak (with lots of caveats and exceptions), making themselves vulnerable first and creating more equality of power. <div><br></div><div>I thought of this teaching when I read the dream. In certain contexts, being questioned by someone (especially by someone with more power) can feel like facing a firing a squad--with one's vulnerability forcibly on display, without mutuality and with insufficient regard for safety. In that kind of atmosphere, it could feel safer if no questions were allowed. It could be a way to prioritize individual choice around self expression.<div><br></div><div>I think it's interesting to think about what makes a culture safe for questions. One of the things that occurs to me is that the environment must genuinely support choice about how and whether to answer--a sense that anyone can decline to answer, that an authentic no is not only allowable but desirable--preferred over a cowed yes, etc. </div></div><div><br></div><div><br></div></div><div class="gmail_extra"><br clear="all"><div><div class="gmail_signature" data-smartmail="gmail_signature"><div dir="ltr"><div><div dir="ltr"><div><div dir="ltr"><div><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div><span style="color:rgb(136,136,136)"><font color="#888888"><i>Marti Johnson<br>Program Officer</i></font></span></div><div><span style="color:rgb(136,136,136)"><font color="#888888"><i>Individual Grants</i></font></span></div><div><font><i style="color:rgb(136,136,136)"><a href="http://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/Home" target="_blank">Wikimedia Foundation</a></i></font></div><div><font><div style="color:rgb(136,136,136);font-size:12.8000001907349px"><a href="tel:%2B1%20415-839-6885" value="+14158396885" style="color:rgb(17,85,204)" target="_blank">+1 415-839-6885</a></div><div style="color:rgb(136,136,136);font-size:12.8000001907349px">Skype: Mjohnson_WMF</div><div dir="ltr"><i style="color:rgb(136,136,136)"><font size="1"><br></font></i><div style="color:rgb(136,136,136)"><div style="color:rgb(80,0,80)"><span style="border-collapse:collapse">Imagine a world in which every single human being can freely <a href="http://youtu.be/ci0Pihl2zXY" target="_blank">share</a> in the sum of all knowledge. Help us make it a reality!<br><a href="https://donate.wikimedia.org/" style="color:rgb(17,85,204)" target="_blank">Support Wikimedia</a></span></div></div></div></font></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>
<br><div class="gmail_quote">On Fri, Oct 13, 2017 at 1:40 PM, Kevin Smith <span dir="ltr"><<a href="mailto:ksmith@wikimedia.org" target="_blank">ksmith@wikimedia.org</a>></span> wrote:<br><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0 0 0 .8ex;border-left:1px #ccc solid;padding-left:1ex"><div dir="ltr"><div class="gmail_default" style="font-family:verdana,sans-serif">Oh, also:<br><br></div><div class="gmail_default" style="font-family:verdana,sans-serif">"What did you mean by X?" could become "I don't understand X". Which again is better in some ways but worse in others. <br><br></div></div><div class="gmail_extra"><span class=""><br clear="all"><div><div class="m_-141305669852527439gmail_signature" data-smartmail="gmail_signature"><div dir="ltr"><div><div dir="ltr"><div><div dir="ltr"><div><div dir="ltr"><div><div dir="ltr"><span><font color="#888888"><br>Kevin Smith<br>Engineering Program Manager, Wikimedia Foundation<br></font></span><font><font><i><font color="#888888"><br></font></i></font></font></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>
<br></span><div><div class="h5"><div class="gmail_quote">On Fri, Oct 13, 2017 at 1:34 PM, Kevin Smith <span dir="ltr"><<a href="mailto:ksmith@wikimedia.org" target="_blank">ksmith@wikimedia.org</a>></span> wrote:<br><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0 0 0 .8ex;border-left:1px #ccc solid;padding-left:1ex"><div dir="ltr"><span>On Thu, Oct 12, 2017 at 5:30 PM, Jeroen De Dauw <span dir="ltr"><<a href="mailto:jeroendedauw@gmail.com" target="_blank">jeroendedauw@gmail.com</a>></span> wrote:<br></span><div class="gmail_extra"><div class="gmail_quote"><span><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0px 0px 0px 0.8ex;border-left:1px solid rgb(204,204,204);padding-left:1ex"><div dir="ltr"><div class="gmail_extra"><div><div class="m_-141305669852527439m_-3009235491669385403gmail-m_-7657472377256649813gmail_signature"><div dir="ltr"><div><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div>It seems like for such a policy to not result in disaster, everyone needs a good amount of empathy and willingness to cooperate. </div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></blockquote></span><div><br><div style="font-family:verdana,sans-serif;display:inline" class="gmail_default">Agreed! It would probably also require everyone to have strong communication skills, generally. <br></div> </div><span><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0px 0px 0px 0.8ex;border-left:1px solid rgb(204,204,204);padding-left:1ex"><div dir="ltr"><div class="gmail_extra"><div><div class="m_-141305669852527439m_-3009235491669385403gmail-m_-7657472377256649813gmail_signature"><div dir="ltr"><div><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div dir="ltr"><div>At least assuming you can't say something like "I wonder why you think that" or "Tell me why", which while strictly are not questions, result in the "same" interaction (different tone though).<br></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></blockquote><div><br></div></span></div><div style="font-family:verdana,sans-serif" class="gmail_default">Right. I didn't work at Dreamcorp long enough to find out whether it was ok to exploit the loopholes. :)<br><br></div><div style="font-family:verdana,sans-serif" class="gmail_default">There is an interesting difference between "What do you think we should do?" and "I would appreciate if you could tell me what you think we should do." Although the latter is more verbose, it actually ends up using an "I statement"[1], as well as expressing appreciation at the same time. "It would help me if you could..." would also work, as it empowers the other person to provide you with help. On the other hand, "Tell me what you think we should do" is a command, and I'm not fond of it. <br><br></div><div style="font-family:verdana,sans-serif" class="gmail_default">"Why do you think that's best?" could become "I'm concerned about X", or "I really thought we should do Y". Both of which would be more helpful in some cases, but less helpful in others. Often, an open-ended question can inspire people to address things you weren't thinking of, and can avoid you biasing their response. But sometimes giving a framework can be helpful. <br><br></div><div style="font-family:verdana,sans-serif" class="gmail_default">Thanks for helping me thing these things through even deeper. <br></div><div style="font-family:verdana,sans-serif" class="gmail_default"><br>[1] <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message" target="_blank">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/<wbr>I-message</a><br></div><br></div></div>
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