Thank you for being receptive to my critique.  I would like to encourage you to read it again and then review your proposal and make changes yourself, if you agree with my concerns (and feel free not to, where you disagree!). 

I think I should not enable your completely passive response, where you expect me to spell out changes for you, even though I have called out specific examples of flaws I see in the proposal.  Your writing just "I welcome your ideas", as though I had not already made specific points that you can act on, gives the impression that you are unwilling to meaningfully engage with the notes, and just want a solution you could copy and paste. But you should take responsibility for what you propose, and own it with confidence, not expect others to "just fix it" for you.

If, after comparing my notes to your proposal, you are still confused about any *specific* note and the change that could address it, feel free to ask *specifically*, and I (and others here) could help.

Cheers,

    A.